How To Resolve A Values Conflict

I want to share with you how to remove a “Values Conflict” from your life and the lives of your coaching clients.

A values conflict occurs when we’ve got two things that are important to us, and they are conflicting with each other and potentially reducing the amount of fulfilment in one or both of those areas. Here are some examples.

I want you to imagine this scenario just for a second. Imagine that you would like to start up a highly successful coaching business. As soon as you think that thought, there's another thought that pops up in your head. And that is, "I'd like to be able to spend more time with my family."

So, we've got these two conflicting ideas now. You want to start up a successful business, but you also want to spend more time with your family.

Somewhere inside your mind, there is a limiting belief. That belief is simply this, "If I start up a coaching business, that equals less time with my family."

Another classic example that we hear all of the time is, "I really want to become a coach, but I don't want to give up the security of the income that I'm earning in my current career."

So, "I want to be a coach, but I don't want to lose the financial security of the day job. Even though I don't like my day job at all, I don't want to give up that security." Again, another classic value conflict.

A values conflict is nothing other than two parts of your brain that aren't talking to each other. In fact, they're wrestling with each other. One part is saying, "I want this," while  the other part is saying, "I want this," and they're both saying, "Look, if I have this, you can't have that."

To resolve a value conflict, you need to get both parts of the mind and put them together, so they become one congruent concept. Once both parts of the mind become holistic again, the conflict resolves itself. We're then able to take the necessary action to get what we want most in our life.

Having done 12 and a half years of coaching and well over 10,000 hours of one-on-one coaching sessions, I have seen my fair share of values conflicts.

Over the years, I took some time out to really just workshop and roadmap the exact way of getting through a values conflict. What I came up with was a very simple equation.

The Formula For Resolving A Values Conflict

To resolve values conflicts, use the equation below. By understanding this equation, it will let us know exactly what to do when those scenarios present themselves.

A = H +/- B

The A stands for the brand new value that you want to add into your life. In this case, the person does not have a coaching business, so A will be a coaching business.

B equals the current value that they have in their life. In the first example, B would be the person's family. So, A is the coaching business, and B is the person's family.

Now, H stands for help or help me or helping. Then obviously, the +/- determines whether or not you want to have more or less of B.

Let me give you an example. If I'm to remove the conflict in my mind of, "I really want to start my coaching business, but my family is getting in the way because I want to spend more time with my family, and coaching seems to reduce my amount of time with my family," I simply formulate a question that allows me to use this formula, and then I use that question to link up the parts in my mind.

Let's go ahead and put this into a question. So, A is a new coaching business. B is spending time with my family. We're going to use the equation A = H +/- B. So, the question would sound like this: "How will growing my coaching business help me spend more time with my family?"

Then, we can come up with answers like these:

"Growing my coaching business means that I won't have to work a full-time job anymore. Becoming a coach and growing my coaching business means that I'll be able to work my own hours.

It means I'll be able to work from home, so when the family gets home in the afternoons, I will already be there waiting for them. It also means that I can travel around the world on the telephone changing people's lives, which means I can holiday way more with my family.

Growing my coaching business means that because most of my work will be done over the phone, when I hang up my phone, I'm already immediately available for my family. It will also mean I can earn more income than my current job and in fewer hours, which actually means I'll spend more time with my family."

I think you're getting the gist of the whole concept behind this conflict resolution skill. So, what we'll do is we get our existing value, which is our family, and our brand new value, which is our coaching business, and we run it through the formula.

Now, I'll give you another example just so we're really clear.

The second one I said was, "I really want to grow my coaching business, but I don't want to give up the financial security of my current job."

Now, the question then becomes, "Do you want more or less financial security? Do want a plus or a minus?"

Well, obviously, you want more financial security. So, the question becomes, "How will growing my coaching business give me even more financial security?"

Again, we just answer the question. Well, when growing your coaching business, you control your income. When growing your coaching business, you can't get fired from it. You get to sleep in and you still get to keep your job. You get to wear what you want, when you want, and you get to earn income from doing it.

A coaching business has an uncapped earning potential. Building it means you're going to earn six, seven, and even eight figures doing that. Growing your coaching business means you're able to charge whatever you feel your services are worth at the time. It also means you can actually outlearn any problem you face inside your business, which means you can continue to earn even more.

Values Conflict Formula – Using The Minus In The Equation

Now, without wanting to overly confuse the concept, we’re going to use the minus in the values conflict formula.

Let's just say that you have debt. Let's just say that you want to travel to Fiji. So, you've got an idea that you'd like to travel to Fiji. Therefore, your new value (A) is traveling to Fiji and your current value, B, is debt. Chances are, you want less debt, so we're going to use the minus in the formula.

When someone thinks of going to Fiji, they say to themselves, “I really want to go to Fiji, but I also want to reduce my debt. So, I can't go to Fiji because I want to reduce my debt."

We use the formula to help us get to Fiji and reduce our debt at the same time. I mean, who would like to be able to travel to tropical locations while reducing your debt? So, the question then becomes, "How will going to Fiji help me reduce my debt? How will going to Fiji help me reduce my debt?"

Here are some reasons why you might reduce your debt by going to Fiji.

The first one is while you're in Fiji, you're going to be more relaxed, which means you're going to be more creative. Therefore, you'll have more creative juices flowing on ways in which to reduce your debt.

When you go to Fiji, you’ll take some time out to allow yourself to really get some space away from what you're doing and potentially brainstorm new ideas, new business ventures, new ways of actually making things happen and making more money.

While you're in Fiji, you could run a small coaching group. You could take a group of people from Australia to Fiji to do some coaching with them. You could then can actually earn money while you're there. So you’re actually getting paid while doing something you love.

In Fiji, rent and food are a lot cheaper. You get to swim in the ocean, you're way more occupied, and you'll be spending less of your money on consumer items. While you're in Fiji, you'll actually be saving money, which will help you reduce your debt.

In Conclusion

So, either way, whether it's a positive like you want more time with your family or you want more financial security, or if it's a negative like you want to reduce your debt, the values linking formula will help you through the process so you can start turning your dreams into reality.

If you would like to learn more conflict resolution skills and successful coaching methods that you can use on yourself as well as others, we invite you to our 1-day FREE event across Australia and New Zealand called, “How To Become A Highly Successful Coach”. To know more about the event and to SECURE YOUR FREE SEAT TODAY at How To Become A Highly Successful Coach, click here.

Read more about: Mindset

Ben is the Difference-Maker Mentor and Co-founder of Authentic Education. He is exquisite at inspiring people to share their message, make a difference in the world and live abundantly on purpose.

Ben has been featured in media such as the Today Show,,, Huffington Post and